Letter to Bake Off by Marc Woodward

I am not a silent poet

Dear Editors
I do hope you can help me?
I know you’re very busy
with the move to channel four,
but I’m after a certain recipe.
It’s not your Brangelina split
-although that’s very popular
for its tranquillising effect
I don’t like the sickly aftertaste.
I want that cake that’s baked and baked
until it’s just a smoking crumble,
then divided between the contestants
and smashed like an Eton Mess.
Was it called the Aleppo?
Your help would be appreciated
and I’m sorry to hear about you
losing your best presenters.
It must feel like losing an arm.
Or a child.

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