HOW TO MAKE A PSYCHOPATH A CUP OF TEA by Sara Dennis

I am not a silent poet

(In 10 easy steps!)

  1. Fill the kettle with water in preparation.
  2. The second you hear the psychopath’s feet hit the bedroom floor, switch on the kettle.
  3. Place teabag in cup: DO NOT ADD SUGAR OR MILK AT THIS POINT.
  4. Silently will the kettle to boil faster.
  5. Put the spoon, sugar bowl and milk carton beside the cup.                                               REMEMBER: you will have to act fast!
  6. Take deep breaths to ease your panic as you hear him cough, piss then start his decent down the staircase.
  7. As soon as the kettle clicks, pour boiling water onto the teabag, add two heaped teaspoons of sugar and a splash of milk.
    REMEMBER: he must have his tea very strong or there will be repercussions.
    TIP: Steady your hand as…

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